The simple fact is that if you are ever mentioned on page 1 of a Dan Brown novel you will be mentioned with an anarthrous occupational nominal premodifier ("Renowned linguist Geoff Pullum staggered across the savage splendor of the forsaken UCSC campus, trying in vain to remove from his back the knife that a barbarous millionaire novelist had just plunged into it"), and you will have died a painful and horrible death by page 2, along with several curiously ill-chosen clichés and mangled idioms.