being the wallflower, and then being aware of it, and then being made even more aware of it by others asking me if I am bored, etc etc.

definitely know that feeling. especially because in such a situation i usually dont want to respond, i just want to disappear more. but i dont want to be an ass either at someone whom is so clearly well meaning.

I was just about to go talk to you when you left. I know that sounds like a lie, but it really isn't. Any other time I actually made eye contact with you you were already talking with someone else, except for when I initially met you. Initially when I met you I was a little uncomfortable because Rachael was like IT'S JCREED, YOU MEET HIM NOW and that sort of thing makes me uncomfortable, it makes me feel like I am being thrown at someone and I hate that because it makes me feel like I have to fulfill expectations. I'm really bad at parties though, which is why I attach myself to Lauren at the hip and hide in a corner while my head tries to make sense of the myriad conversations going around me at once.

It's cool, I believe you. I was just kind of like "oh, shit, do I actually have anything to talk about?" at first anyway, and realized I didn't. Parties to kind of shut me up that way. And talk of video games.

I don't actually have conversations at parties, I'm just an intermittent quip machine.

I liked your hair. Most of the y-chromosomes there had 80s metal hair.

thanks. Yours was pretty cool too.

Actually maybe that it's something to do with that I still instinctively/prejudiciously tend to read faces (or clothes, or whatever gestalt stuff like that) like yours (and styger's for that matter) as those belonging to people that are going to, by dint of being worlds cooler, REJECT ME AND EVERYTHING I STAND FOR to steal a phrase from... someone or another. Maybe a conversation with the selfsame girl that cut my hair.

And not that you aren't entitled to make quips about OH LOOK IT'S THE INTERNET FRIEND, but that's the same sort of thing that made me think that you didn't want to talk to me.

I could have written that really, except for the beautiful Esperanto. But yeah, I'm hearing you on FM. Perhaps having a few more years (and certainly a few more pounds) under my belt means I'm a bit more relaxed about the way I am. I actually think I'm kind of neat now. Probably those people I envy are wishing they were a bit more like me. Probably.

I think being happy in your own skin is the trick to it. After all, you're unlikely to get another one, unless you lure attractive girls into some kind of cellar and... no, that analogy isn't going anywhere I want to be.

Yeah, I mostly am.

But when I meet someone and they say they study, like, just for a random example, spanish and russian language and lit, I actually would actually want them to tell me everything they know about it and then some. I try to say so, but parties seem to inhibit that, what with the loud music and the drunkenness.

I want, like, 18th century salons to make a comeback, consarnit.

Yeahh, I think in an ideal world that party might've had more places to go off and chat in smaller groups. Then again, I'm not sure that the party would have been long enough to support such a thing and still have had "a party" going on in the center. Confusing.

but I just can't muster the patience to let my mind just... spin down, out of gear.

I actually find that keeping myself entertained at a party takes a lot of thought: coming up with a stimulating conversation, determining how to politely leave or enter a conversation, remembering who everyone is, etc. I tend to view parties as a game where I am trying to possitively interact with as many people as possible. Admittedly I do seem to strategise a bit much compared to other people, but I find it fun.


Mind, the type of parties I have been going to here are a bit different (and in my opinion better) than those I experienced in undergrad. The ones in undergrad were of the loud music and dark corners to hide in type. The ones here involve people standing/sitting around and talking with occasional food and alcohol as the only props. (ok the later end of the parties do get a bit wilder)


hopefully that made sense.

I think I know precisely this feeling, Jason.

.. tom7radar