Jason (jcreed) wrote,

Trying to write this paper is really bringing out the perfectionist in me.

I confuse the fact that there is no easy way to explain what I have done, with the fear that there is no good way to explain it. I start at the beginning, and worry that I don't have enough of the big picture to write the intro yet. I dive into the middle, and I get caught up following the web of conceptual dependencies back to things that actually make sense without twelve layers of definitions. It gets hard, really hard and demanding, and I desperately want to throw my hands up in defeat and claim that it's impossible, that I'm not up to the task.

I'm having this realization right now as I type, that the thing that makes it so agonizing is the fact that I know that's not true. I know, given enough effort, that I can do this shit. I know it's far too late to give up on this project. I'm pretty sure all these theorems go through, and I can patch the ones that don't, and it all does really make sense to me at some level, and with enough patience I can drag it out on to the page. But it's hard, and it's work, and it's not really very fun. I'm not having new ideas, I'm just painting them on a huge canvas, with a tiny tiny brush.

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