Jason (jcreed) wrote,

Vacillated for a little while between feeling sick and okay. Now not really so good.

For better or worse, as an experiment, I had, over the last few weeks or so, been trying to reorient my point of view and default sentiments about flirting and hitting-on and getting all up ons and so on, basically trying to desensitize myself, working on reducing that feeling of it seeming like a horrible irritating game I don't like playing. Trying to change it, at least, to perception of it being a game that is more or less necessary to play to obtain certain desirable long term results. Perhaps even something I could enjoy and become more proficient at.

But... it seems that, for no particular reason, (though maybe set off by certain events tonight) I am right now experiencing a huge amount of backlash-backfiring of this experiment. It is a miserable, aggravating failure. Undifferentiated hate-frustration-anger towards the pursuit of casual physical contact, casual sex, backrubs and head-scratches and making out at parties, saying oh-so-clever things in hopes of increasing people's opinion of me, trying to mask socially unuseful emotions, etc. It's just my pair-bond instinct that's going crazy. I don't give a fuck about fucking. I just want love, exclusivity, profundity, namelessly powerful friendship, music, magic.

Or at least that's how it is right now. Maybe I will feel completely different in the morning.

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