Remembered that the other thing that happened today was that I saw mid walking around squill with joshua. Of course the only thing I managed communicatively was an awkward smile and wave. I still have this recurring fear, not really confirmed by any particular concrete data, that she bears some hidden ill will against me, mostly because I feel like she would be justified in doing so. Ugh. I was just so... emotionless but at the same time irrational around the time we broke up. I still feel an occasional twinge of disgust and guilt about that. It feels like another version of me that the present me doesn't like at all. Bah. That was another passage of Contact that really spoke to me, the one about a successful relationship being one where all of younger selves can comfortably fit. Or just the idea of synthesizing a coherent self out of all of your past.
...of course, the reaction was that she just kind of half-smiled and waved back.