January 31st, 2004

beartato phd

(no subject)

It's slightly comforting to check the weather and see that the numbers back up my subjective impression of it's too damned cold.
beartato phd

(no subject)

Trying to write this paper is really bringing out the perfectionist in me.

I confuse the fact that there is no easy way to explain what I have done, with the fear that there is no good way to explain it. I start at the beginning, and worry that I don't have enough of the big picture to write the intro yet. I dive into the middle, and I get caught up following the web of conceptual dependencies back to things that actually make sense without twelve layers of definitions. It gets hard, really hard and demanding, and I desperately want to throw my hands up in defeat and claim that it's impossible, that I'm not up to the task.

I'm having this realization right now as I type, that the thing that makes it so agonizing is the fact that I know that's not true. I know, given enough effort, that I can do this shit. I know it's far too late to give up on this project. I'm pretty sure all these theorems go through, and I can patch the ones that don't, and it all does really make sense to me at some level, and with enough patience I can drag it out on to the page. But it's hard, and it's work, and it's not really very fun. I'm not having new ideas, I'm just painting them on a huge canvas, with a tiny tiny brush.