May 27th, 2003

beartato phd

(no subject)

JM trip fell through, due to memorial day closedness. Not much else happened today. Read more of Grammaitcalization. Hacked some. Developed sore thumb anew from trackpad on laptop. Hate hate. Received gift of "The Phantom Tollbooth" from Sally, mutually receiving it with Adam. I guess she was gifting it to whichever one of us wanted it. Considering I already own a copy and have read it N billion times and enjoyed it every time, I hope adam takes it and reads it. I do think it's cool that she just randomly thought it would be a good gift, though. Good guess of book-preference-character.
beartato phd

(no subject)

I continue to feel frustrated by this wildly fluctating intensity of feeling loneliness, which remains unexplained by any change in actual aloneness. I've maintained a roughly steady level of ordinary social interaciton, and a steady lack of relationship or relationship prospects for not a few months now, which isn't entirely even involuntary. I don't feel like it's problematic most of the time. I've made many choices which, aggregated, amount to a decision not to really (at least for the time being) go out of my way seeking someone else, but... Why is it okay most of the time, and so suddenly dark occasionally?
beartato phd

(no subject)

I feel that way that makes me want to say "I am a horrible person", but Revelation #407.3 reveals that saying "I am a horrible person" is useless and vacuous.

Some non-vacuous (I hope) observations:
I failed to fail gracefully.
I overreacted.
I felt blamed for something that wasn't my fault, again, and felt furious, again.
I don't get angry that often. I am not very experienced at it. I don't seem to have handled it well up to now.
I don't like to be called crazy.
I don't like to have my level of desire for space and quiet dismissed as unreasonable and irrational.
I don't like it when people agreeing with me is explained away by believing that my insanity is sadly spreading rather than seen as evidence that perhaps I am not so unreasonable.
I feel at the receiving and giving end of hurt. This is no good at all.