What do I want to do? I want to pay my internet bill.
What do they do? Make me jump through hoops every month? No, that would be too easy. They make me jump through different hoops from month to month.
Just last month I had to call about four times to finally get a human to tell me a secret different phone number to call which asked for a subtly different longer account number and worked correctly.
This month they ask me for the three digits following my phone number in my account number. I kept waiting for "For 'wtf you guys my phone number is not a substring of my verizon account number', push 7", but it never came up.
Then like two calls later, I got a human who was like I AM CONFIDENT I CAN RESOLVE YOUR ISSUE MA'AM [because my voice rises that much in pitch when I am annoyed?] and then — this is the best — put me on hold and transferred me to the initial verizon phonebot menu except with way worse audio quality.
I had to struggle to even understand that it was saying words at first. It was like listening to Peanuts-Animated-Cartoon-Muted-Trumpet-A
Then I tried about a million different things on the verizon website to get it to just fricking send me a new password so's I could pay online, but then I remembered that the error it always gave me is that I had tried to reset my password too many times. Look, dudes, I am not trying to theft somebody's identity here, it's just really fucking confusing when you distinguish between three kinds of accounts, and complain when my contact number happens to also be a verizon cellphone, and also complain when my old username is still connected to service back in pittsburgh, and so on.
It's a mystery why, through laziness, I am so brand-loyal to verizon when that very fact causes nothing but trouble.