I am not interested in hearing your "windows sucks" or "c++ sucks" refrain; I know both facts to be true. I have my semi-nefarious reasons.
Nope, not interested in compiling to .NET or with MinGW.
Ah! The Visual C++ 2005 Express version seems to be maybe what I want? Maybe? I'm sure I downloaded some shit once before, a few years ago. Coulda been that.